I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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