Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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