Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
