So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
