I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
