It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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