The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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