R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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