Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
