i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
