I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
