i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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