We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
