i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His nipple licking is glorious
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