I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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