can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
