I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
