I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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