I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
