AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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