you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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