the condom got lost in my hair
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
