They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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