he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize