I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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