saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
whose parrot is this?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
