everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
