Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
