No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
