I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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