Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
