Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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