I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
