Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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