Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
