My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
