The maid of honor just puked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
