I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
