if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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