seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
