That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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