I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
