After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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