My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
