i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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