brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
