My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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