i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
