You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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