Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
