The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
