Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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