Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
