It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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