Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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