On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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